Immediately after having the stroke, I could do nothing, including raising my right arm or using my right hand... two of my lifelong best friends would not cooperate with their biggest fan.
I was always tired... the gal who never sleeps, and works constantly. The nurses at the hospital bothered me non-stop and pinched me hard when i was too tired to follow their commands. I knew they were just doing their jobs, but it made me angry. I wanted to scream at them, "Just leave me alone and let me sleep."
I still want to do everything I could do before… and that was a lot. I have always been self-reliant, independent, strong-willed, and impatient. Now, I am doubly impatient with myself. I try to type and cannot hit the keys I want to hit. It takes me forever, and sometimes I time out and all the hard work I have done disappears... numerous times because I keep on trying.
Some days are awful... some are better, and some seem good; compared with the awful ones.
Have you seen the video where the dog growls at his own foot? That's sometimes how I feel about my left hand. It is over-compensating to help with what my right hand is struggling with now. It feels like it has its own mind; fortunately, no one laughs at me when I struggle with it. It feels as though it has become a claw that is not mine, but somehow ended up on the end of my arm.
After I had the stroke, my friend Jane, that I met in Shanghai, called and then came with husband, Dan, to visit from OH. It's funny because when I came home from the hospital I had to wear my Jane-pjs the first night because I wanted to feel close to her. We had bought the same ones together in Shanghai while still there.
I did not know that she'd had a mini-stroke several years before I met her in 2008 and that gave me hope that I'd get better.
My physical therapist told me yesterday that she has been doing her job for over 20 years and that she works with lots of stroke victims. She told me I am doing well... probably in the 98th percentile.
Good... I want to do well. I want to recover. I do not want to be a burden to my husband because i love him and i do not want him to be sorry he is married to me, so i keep trying really hard. Life has thrown us so many challenges and we've been able to step up and take on every one, even when we thought we couldn't because there just was no energy left to do so. We will take on this one too. Life is too brief and important not to.